never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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