My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
