Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You can't special order awesome
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is Oprah even human
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
