i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
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Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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