I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
