yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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