exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
it was like eating out sand paper
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
