I wish my penis had an off switch
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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