i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
