I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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