Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We left an ass print on the piano.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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