god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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