She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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