If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
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