I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
