Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
