I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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