those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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