swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His nipple licking is glorious
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