I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
