STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
