my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
