FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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