I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
