I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
