I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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