You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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