my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need to calm my uterus...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
