I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
