you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
