I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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