he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
