my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
