my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
