Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
