the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
