apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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