Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
