I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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