just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
