rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
