Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
