So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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