i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
