non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
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just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.