how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
