Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
