The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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