Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
