I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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