I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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