this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
