The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
