My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
