I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
