mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
