so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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