She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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